Test Drive?

On saturday I attended a wedding and the bride was to say the least conservative (her gown was long-sleeved…..) To further display how conservative she is/was her pure white dress was well deserved; for the slow ones this is to say she was unchartered; a virgin. A moment of silence!

After the reception the bride let’s call her… Anne (am running out of names) a simple name for a simple girl and her groom went to their suite to change for the evening party (am sure the dress with its sleeves would have felt like a boiler) before she changed they were advised to take a shower TOGETHER!! Now Anne has never seen a naked man before so we can imagine her response to seeing her husband naked for the first time.

When they finally joined us at the evening party we were all a little tipsy (it was a long shower) so we were well endowed to be honest and tell her a few truths. First and foremost looks can be deceiving; to a girl who’s been locked up all her life a cat is the closest thing to a Tiger she has ever seen.

First night on their honeymoon and she charmed the one-eye snake next day she texts “Aman” three simple words… “IS THAT IT?” we were in shock but we were made to understand by a friend who was fortunate (un) to have a round of bedminton with the groom described as needing a tour guide and a few high-powered torches to find the target. In short he has a learjet he cannot fly… (I need new friends)

I take this opportunity to stress on the importance of  pre-marital sex!

Why is pre-marital sex so important? well who buys a dress without trying it on or even a pair of shoes and these are things you can take back, you cannot take back a husband and tell the priest am sorry he doesn’t get the job done. So make sure he’s the right one of-course there are many other qualities that make a husband but those do not belong in these post. Do not be deceived sex is a very important of marriage so it has to be really good for one to last forever and no compromise.. just because you have the most honest and kindest man does not make up for lack of bedroom skills.

Virgins live in a world of their own and they believe that just like on Tv and read in books (especially those darned Mills and Boon) the first time will be magical first and foremost ouch! that’s a lie. Second it won’t always be an ooh and aah, music in the background, fireworks in the air, silk sheets and men with firm abs experience. The truth is not as rosy however it’s not totally dreary.. 🙂

Some men are selfish and they only care about their own oohs and ahhs and they leave their ladies on the verge of pulling out their hair of course some women just lie there like dead fish and wait for the man to do all the work which is just wrong, the groom was this kind of man when he’s done he’s done! If only my friend went for a test drive she would have made an informed decision to stay and find alternative entertainment or to leave.. Let it not be assumed the groom was also chaste because that man would and still will poke anything in a skirt

Some men have only two frequencies before they dig in :).. mouth, boobs… hello! now if men and women were to be compared to fire.. a man is like cooking with gas all you need is a matchbox and it’s on.. women on the other hand are cooking with coal..you have to coax it to life, “pepeta” and make sure the fire does not go off before its raging.

Why do we feel so bad for Anne? she was shortchanged! Handed the shorter end of the stick (pun intended) lucky for her she has friends like us who bought her toys to entertain herself should the need arise (and trust me it will)

So before you say “I DO” make sure you know your man inside out or at least he knows you inside out!

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20 Comments

  1. #tellingitlikeitis couldnt have said it better!

  2. :)) ok, its wrong to laugh but its kinda funny…mpe Anne pole zangu. but seriously hata kama there was no the test drive, there was no revving of the engine or something like that???

  3. Lolest – ” Handed the shorter end of the stick (pun intended)…”

    But I agree with you totally and also!
    You have to know! You just have to,

    Lets leave the sex out for a minute, what if they are down right dirty as in body hygiene, what if they have hairy legs [for the ladies], what if they are of trans gender [bear both male and female organs]?
    The what if are just so many…
    Can you leave all this to chance? I say I can’t.

    My Two Cents

    • Wiselar, me thinks hairy legs are not as big a crime as the crime this groom is accused of. As for the transgender bit ahem the bride/groom is a winner 2 in 1

      • Lol,

        Just an opinion really. 2in1 you say, but its still good to know before hand. No?

        /James

      • yes it’s very important to be forewarned is to be forearmed or something like that they said…

  4. Lovely lovely piece! Poor Anne.

  5. Well said!

  6. i totally agree… sex is a very important part of marriage and one should be sure of what they are getting into before agreeing to be with someone for the rest of their lives.

  7. Truth be told, everything one buys these days has to be tested first. Even a bulb! Or perishables (at least sometimes if you’re lucky, you might get a free sample!) so why people still insist on virginity in this day and age astounds me. Sure, it’s virtuous. But it’s not practical.

    • Exactly my point if you must test a bulb why not a husband? 🙂

  8. Oh yah, so true…sometimes it’s good to know that you are connected to someone in all ways…but that’s my opinion, I guess everyone is different. I vouch for it, you don’t wanna be surprised during the honey-moon while you are meant to be enjoying.

  9. Men have test-driven to the point that a Nigerian pastor had to be called in because the men have found the vehicles not living up to their standards…continue giving men the free test-drives kabisa because i never heard of a test-drive/free-sample that you pay for.soon enough,your model is no longer in fashion & you are a Bedford…

  10. Haha, test drive ni muhimu… But how on earth will dudes with some eeeh deficiencies (for lack of a better word) ever get hitched?

    • Inexes, deficiencies can be be corrected.. Breathing exercises, yoga… I just believe the girl should be well informed when she says “I Do”

  11. It’s called the Cult of Virginity. Oh well.

  12. Interesting perspective.

    All is not lost me thinks for Ann and her lot…if the pal is open minded…they could invest in some visual aids that could give direction.

    Disclaimer: Good quality porn for couples (as opposed to porn for men) is rather hard to come by. (no pun intended)

  13. Co-sign. Counter-sign. Re-sign. Virgins are a no-no when it comes to marriage. You never know, somebody may have faulty breaks like them Toyota Priuses and it may not be a good idea to drive a Ferrari to work everyday….

    First post I’ve read from a girl, liking the zone already…


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