How Not to be a Mistress…

Embracing my new spirit as an advice aunt I churn out my second “How To” post, some girls very early in life decide that they were not meant to be employed mainly because they can’t stand papercuts or being bossed around, Business is also not for them what with trying to come up with a business idea and worrying about profits and thieving employees.. so you might be asking yourself what next for such a young lady… The solution is very simple.. Become a Mistress.

There may be other paths but for these girls these remains the only way out as most are more often than not high maintenance and they live a champagne lifestyle on a Beer budget. Nancy is such a girl, she cannot be bothered to spoil her French manicure because there are dirty dishes in the kitchen, unfortunately Nancy did not have a job and her bills were piling up and she was not becoming a Billionaire!

One day at a very Trendy Nairobi joint an old man took a fancy to dear Nancy and she was disgusted; however, a friend a very good friend for that matter called to her attention her precarious financial situation and “shingo upande” Nancy accepted the old man’s advances. This man was old enough to be Nancy’s father but that was not top on her mind as she could not see beyond the dollar signs in her eyes.

After a month or two with Money bags (MB) Nancy stopped being the girl who was always asking for a loan to the girl we always asked for a loan. For her birthday Nancy got a Starlet (remember when they were hot) from MB and a shop at World Business center fully stocked life was good.

All Nancy had to do was wake up, look good for MB and wait should he appear. Nancy ungrateful little thing that she is decided she needed a toy and since she was allergic to dogs and cats she went for a 3rd year campus boytoy (BT).. When she was 100% sure MB would not appear she would appear with the BT and they would play… she got confident to the point where she would cancel dates with MB to see BT according to what she told us he was err well equipped and a very good horizontal dancer.

MB got suspicious but did not let Nancy catch on that he could smell a rat instead he investigated and finally found out that someone else was digging in his farm (sounds crude but those were the words he used). He still did not let Nancy catch on that anything was wrong rather he instead bought her more jewellery and clothes.

One night after a particular satisfying visit to BT’s little Bedsitter she was headed for her posh apartment when the night guard asked her “haiya madam si ulihama?” (madam didn’t you shift?”) “nonsense” Nancy could not tolerate the working class especially this chatty watchman who was always saying “Hi” like an acquaintance. Very annoying indeed. A warm bath was all that would calm her down.

She drove the short distance to her house and the first thing that hit her was that her curtains had not been drawn even the loose curtains were drawn aside. She clicked and again complained about the idiocy of subordinate workers. She parked and grabbed her keys from her handbag and walked to the door; she unlocked it and shock on her!! Her house was totally empty she contemplated calling the cops and reporting the robbery but there was no sign of forced entry. She walked up to her room and checked her closet; all her jewelery and new clothes missing. All that had been left behind were the clothes she had before she met MB. she tried to call him but no answer.

The next day when she awoke eyes swollen from crying herself to sleep she received a call from the girl who manned her shop it seems MB had gone to the shop and taken all the stock and he had sent some thugs to collect her car. she sat down in despair and started calling all her friends to help her out but they were conveniently busy. In one night Nancy had gone from *Baller to Broke* Needless to say we had a few things to discuss that evening over drinks.

Nancy broke the golden rules of being a mistress; she cheated! She then went ahead and broke the number one rule of cheaters; she got caught! As her friends we were very supportive but we all had one thing on our minds….

Not all mistresses are gold diggers but good old Nancy was and the fact that she chameleon-ed when she was balling was top among the reasons we did not pity her.

So really there is just one Golden rule to being a mistress and that is do no cheat or do not get caught! There are really no rules to being a mistress but I could not pass up an opportunity to tell Nancy’s story! 🙂



  1. seriously Nancy, hata ka investment ka kando u couldn’t manage?

    • Don’t worry she’s now looking for another MB and this time she;ll know how to hide her funga…

  2. sweetie how old are you again? eish mami thou has seen it all! this was worth the wait 🙂

    Yours truly
    Number 1 fan!

    • Sweety I have the best and craziest pals, you’ll meet them when you come over….

  3. Don’t I just love this post!

    • thanks hun… it was fun to write….

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